


The Time When ....

by erunamiryene



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Ficlet Collection, Gen, Humor, occasional crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-22
Updated: 2012-07-04
Packaged: 2017-11-05 19:35:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erunamiryene/pseuds/erunamiryene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An in-progress collection of (mostly humorous) Avengers ficlets</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Time When Coulson Found Out About His Cards

**Author's Note:**

> These may contain some minor spoilers or AU elements.
> 
> #coulsonlives

The Time When Coulson Found Out About His Cards

“Agent Hill, is it true?”

“Coulson, you have to look at -”

He folded his arms. “Is it true?” he repeated.

She sighed. “You have to talk to the director about it. I’m staying out of this.”

*

Coulson found Nick Fury in his office. “Sir, may I have a word with you?”

The director nodded and pointed at the chair in front of his desk. “Have a seat.”

“I’d rather stand, sir, if it’s all the same to you.”

Fury raised an eyebrow. “Is there something bothering you, Agent Coulson?”

“Sir, I’ve heard a disturbing rumor.”

“If it’s anything Stark has said, you know that man only lives with one foot in reality.”

“No, sir. It was Captain Rogers.”

Fury closed his laptop. “ _Cap_ told you a rumor?”

“Not exactly, sir. He showed me my trading cards.”

There was a very long pause.

“My _formerly_ near-mint trading cards.”

Another long pause.

“That are now ruined, sir.”

Fury still said nothing.

“Sir, those cards took me years to collect. I got the last one - this one,” he said, pulling the card depicting a saluting Captain America obscured by a deep maroon smear of dried blood out of his pocket and tossing it on the desk, “a mere _three days_ before Captain Rogers arrived.”

Fury steepled his fingers and waited.

“Now I’m going to have to see if I can find these again, which isn’t a sure thing because this set is over sixty-five years old. What do you have to say for yourself, sir?”

“They needed the push, Coulson.”

Coulson looked at the irreparably damaged card, then sighed. “Yes, sir. They did.”

There was a knock at the door, and the collected Avengers piled into the office, led by Tony and Steve.

“Sure, come on in,” Fury said sardonically.

“Agent Coulson,” Tony said, blithely ignoring the director, “we felt that we owed you something for the … assistance you provided in giving our collective ass the kick it needed. And now that you're feeling better and are back at work-”

Coulson turned. “Stark, I said that as soon as everything is back to normal, I’ll consider the trip to Portland.”

“No, that’s not it.” He turned to Steve. “Cap, do you have something for the long-suffering agent?”

Steve grinned. “I sure do.” He pulled a small box out of his jacket pocket. “We-”

“‘We’?” Stark chuckled. “You still haven’t figured out how to work the internet.”

“‘We’, as in ‘this is from all of us’,” Steve said, rolling his eyes, “got you a present.” He held out the box.

Coulson took it. “This isn’t really necessary,” he said as he opened the lid. “I was just doing my ….” He trailed off into silence as he looked into the box. “You got me new cards?”

“It was Thor’s idea. Natasha called in a few favors, I hit up a memorabilia collector I know, Bruce and Hawkeye went to pick them all up, and Cap-”

“You signed them,” Coulson said, setting the box down and holding up a completely unblemished, autographed, saluting Captain America card.

“Well, things went all crazy before I got a chance to last time, so I figured it was the least I could do,” Steve smiled. “After all, I was pretty much no help when it came to acquiring the cards.”

“I … don’t really know what to say,” Coulson said. “Thank you. All of you.” He looked at Nick Fury. “Sir, I say this with the utmost respect and in all seriousness - if you touch these cards, I may have to break regulations.”

“Understood, Agent Coulson.”

“Come on, Coulson,” Tony said. “We’re all going out for lunch, and then you and I are going to Portland.”


	2. The Time When Steve Got Dating Advice From Tony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve wants to ask a girl out. Tony wants to help.

The Time When Steve Got Dating Advice From Tony

Steve tucked in his shirt and eyed his reflection. 

“Come on, Rogers, man up. You’ve been through much worse. It can’t be that hard. What’s the worst that could happen? She says no? Then nothing’s changed, right? So just-” He whipped around as his door opened.

“Cap?” Tony looked cheerful. “You know that one of the signs of dementia is talking to yourself, right?”

“Do you know how to knock, Stark? Did you ever learn _any_ manners?”

“I learned them, but I only use them on special occasions so they don’t get worn out.”

Steve sighed. “Of course.”

“Wait … are you …?” Tony grinned. “Who are you asking out? I mean, really, anyone is a good choice - it’s been a _very_ long time for you.”

Steve folded his arms. “Stark, of everyone in this city, you are the _last_ person I want to talk to about this.”

“Yes, but of everyone in this city, I’m probably the best person for you to talk to about this, given my extensive experience in attracting the fairer sex.”

“Things can’t have changed that much.”

“Well, it doesn’t involve year-long courtships and time in the sitting room anymore, princess.”

“You do know I was last awake in the 1940s, not the 1840s, right?” Steve said, rolling his eyes.

“Whatever. My point is that the earnest, aw shucks, pardon me ma’am thing went out of style in the sixties.”

“Oh, please, Stark, like you have any idea what women actually want,” Natasha said, poking her head in the door. “You got lucky with Pepper.” She looked at Steve. “Don’t listen to this guy. We already have one Tony Stark; the world couldn’t handle two.” She smiled. “You be you. You’re a genuine hero; any woman would be lucky to go out with you.”

Tony looked from Natasha to Steve and back, a slow grin spreading across his face. “Now I get it.” He clapped Steve on the back. “Good luck, Cap,” he called over his shoulder as he sauntered out of the room, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

Natasha watched him go, one eyebrow raised. “What was all that about?”

“Oh, well … we …” Steve took a deep breath. “Miss Romanov, I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me for an evening on the town?” He chuckled. “Once I figure out where everything is now, of course.”

“I, uh ….” She stopped and thought for a moment. “Yes,” she smiled. “I’d love to.”

“Does seven tonight work for you?”

“Sure does. I’ll meet you in the garage. Are we taking the bike?”

He nodded. “I figured we would.”

“Then I won’t wear a skirt,” she winked. “See you at seven.”


	3. The Time When Steve Posed for the Avengers Calendar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers are going to do a fundraising calendar, but Steve has to be convinced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come on, who wouldn't buy an Avengers pin-up calendar? :)

The Time When Steve Posed for the Avengers Calendar  
  
Tony and Steve were in the common room.  
  
“You want me to pose for a calendar.”  
  
Tony nodded.  
  
“Naked.”  
  
“Just for one picture!  The other one will be you in your adorable spangly uniform.  And it’s not like everything’s going to be hanging out; you’ll wrap this around your waist.”  Tony brandished a large flag.  “And we’ll have a blanket down, and you’ll be on a table, so the flag won’t touch the ground.”  
  
“While I’ll point out that I appreciate your effort to not sully the flag any farther than your suggestion already has, my answer is still no.”  
  
“Come on!  The photographer is already here.”  
  
Steve folded his arms.  “No.  Absolutely not.  No way.  That’s a complete and total violation of the flag code.”  
  
“Everyone else on the team is already on board, you know.”  
  
“Really, Stark, peer pressure?  That’s what you’re going to try?”  
  
Tony sighed.  “I _wanted_ this to be a surprise, but … we’re donating the proceeds to organizations that help wounded veterans.”  
  
“Sure you are.  Because you’re _so_ altruistic, right?”  
  
Natasha walked into the room.  “For once, Stark isn’t full of shit; that’s really where the money’s going.”  
  
“I see,” Steve said, looking from Natasha back to Tony (who was trying - and failing - to look anything but smug).  “And you guys really think I need to pose wearing … well, _holding_ a flag.”  
  
“Hey, I’m wearing lingerie and pistols,” Natasha shrugged.  “Besides, trust me ... it is going to be a _very_ popular picture.”  
  
“I find that hard to believe, but I’m sure there’s no arguing with you about it.”  He turned back to Tony.  “And what is everyone else doing for this calendar?”  
  
“I’m wearing an unbuttoned shirt, an untied tie, and holding my helmet in a … strategic area.  Thor’s doing something with some kind of fur rug and the hammer - you know how much he loves that hammer.”  
  
“And Bruce is standing behind a lab table-” Natasha started.  
  
“A totally unrealistic, stereotypically gimmicky lab table, I might add,” Tony chimed in.  
  
“Blah blah blah.  Anyway, he’s standing behind a lab table and wearing glasses, and Clint’s being a real sport and going for the ‘look at my ass’ shot.”  
  
“Uh-huh.  And for the other six months?”  
  
“Oh, those are going to be us in our uniforms.”  
  
Steve considered, gazing out the window at the skyline.  
  
“You’re not seriously going to back out of helping the troops, are you, Cap?” Tony asked.  
  
After a long moment, Steve sighed and took the flag out of Tony’s hands.  “I’ll do it.”  
  
“Good.  Now, I’ve gotta go get my stuff and get ready; I’ll be back.”    
  
As Steve disappeared into the room that had been temporarily rearranged into a photography studio, Natasha pulled out her phone and dashed off a quick text.  A moment later, Maria Hill and Pepper came upstairs.  
  
“You really talked him into it?”  Pepper asked.  
  
Natasha tiptoed over and opened the door, looking in.  “Sure did.  And it was the best idea _ever_ ,” she whispered, then beckoned to the other two women.  
  
“Well, I know _I’m_ feeling much more patriotic,” Maria said as she peeked in.  Pepper just whistled.  
  
Steve didn’t turn, but red flared in his cheeks.  “Ladies.  Can I help you?”  
  
“Oh … I could think of a few things you could do,” Natasha grinned.  “But I’ll be nice and shut the door.”  
  
“Thank you,” Steve said, sounding rather amused.  
  
Natasha pulled the door closed.  “Oh _my_ ,” she said, pretending to fan herself.  “That’ll be the hottest July on record right there.”  
  
“You know, you never did tell us about your date,” Pepper said.  
  
“Sounds like it’s time to get a latte, then.  Shall we, ladies?” 


	4. The Time When Tony Found Out About Thor's Phone Number Collection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor doesn't know what to do with all these numbers he gets when he goes out to eat.

Tony was mixing a drink and Thor was finishing his to-go second breakfast in the common room.

(They had recently watched "Lord of the Rings," and Thor had taken a great shine to the hobbits' meal lineup. Natasha still chuckled every time he asked if anyone wanted to go out for elevensies.)

“I have to say, that waitress was gorgeous, and you didn’t even have to do anything to get her attention.” Tony sounded admiring.

“She was pleasing to the eye, I agree,” Thor nodded, mopping up some syrup with three pancakes. “But she gave me these numbers.” He brandished the receipt, with the waitress’s number scrawled across it. “And this keeps happening. Is it some sort of code I do not understand?”

Bruce poked his head in. “What do you mean, ‘keeps happening’?”

Thor stuffed the pancakes in his mouth, stood, and beckoned. 

Clint and Steve came out of the gym as the other three hit the stairs. “What’s going on?” Clint asked.

“Thor, apparently, has been collecting phone numbers and hasn’t told anyone,” Tony said, sounding scandalized.

Clint slung his towel around his neck. “This I have to see.”

Steve shrugged. “Count me in; I didn’t have anything else to do today.”

They all piled into Thor’s suite, taking seats on the bed and the various oversized chairs. 

Thor opened his top dresser drawer and turned it upside down. A small blizzard of receipts, napkins, and scraps of paper, all bearing a name and phone number - and most bearing at least one doodled heart and notes ranging from innocent to rather graphically detailed - fluttered out and floated downward.

“Thor, you must have over a hundred phone numbers here, man! How do you do it?” Clint sounded very impressed.

“Do what?”

“Get all these women to give you their numbers!”

“I do not do anything,” Thor said, perplexed. “It just happens when I go out to eat. What am I supposed to do with these?”

“Have you called any of them?” Tony asked.

“Called them? What do you mean?”

A slow smile spread across Tony’s face. “Oh good. Can I have them?”

“No, because Pepper would beat you ten ways to Sunday,” Steve interrupted.

Tony sighed. “That’s probably true. Never mind.” He bent and scooped up a handful. “They gave you these so you’d call them and hopefully ask them out.”

“Oh. Should I do that now?” He looked at the paper-covered floor, deep in thought. “It may get awkward with this many people there.”

“Yeah, four is usually the limit. After that someone’s getting ignored and that causes hurt feelings,” Tony nodded, chuckling when he noticed Steve rolling his eyes.

“At this point, I’d just hang onto them,” Clint said, scooping some up and tossing them back into the drawer. “We could have a pool and see who can guess how many phone numbers Thor collects each year.”

“I like this plan. I shall treat the winner to a meal of their choosing,” Thor grinned.

“Thor’s buying? I’m in,” Bruce said, standing. “But I have to get back to my lab; let me know the details later.” He disappeared out the door.

“So guesses have to be in by December 29th, and we’ll count them up on the 30th.” Tony took out his phone and made a note. “Cap, you’d do well to watch Thor and see how he does it.”

“Who says I need lessons?” Steve smiled. “I just don’t have to ask you all about it. Besides, I’m sort of seeing someone.”

“Betty Grable poster finally agreed to see a talkie with you?”

Steve stood, sighing good-naturedly. “And that’s my limit for Tony Stark one-liners,” he said, heading for the door. “Make sure you tip well, Thor.”

“I do. Natasha made sure to let me know that if I did not, she would annoy me more than Loki does.”

“She can, so it’s smart to listen to her,” Clint laughed as he got off the bed. “See you guys at dinner.”


	5. The Time When The Avengers Made a Video

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve wants to help make it better, and enlists the rest of the group's aid.

Steve, contrary to the running joke in Stark Tower, wasn't entirely useless at operating his computer and surfing the internet (even if he did occasionally use internet lingo incorrectly). He'd bookmarked some of his favorite blogs, was catching up on decades of trends and music (he'd had "Karma Chameleon" stuck in his head for three days now), and even knew not to open any link from Tony as it was bound to be something specifically chosen to offend his sensibilities.

One evening, he saw a link for a video project called "It Gets Better". Being the group's resident optimist, he found himself intrigued and clicked through.

\--

The next morning, he went to find the rest of the Avengers, and explained his plan.

"You want to make a video?" Tony grinned, sipping his coffee.

"Yes."

"What kind of ... video?" he asked, leering.

"I want the whole group to make a video for the It Gets Better project."

"Well, well! How progressive of you, Cap!"

Steve looked confused. "What's progressive about it? No one in America should be treated like they are lesser, or second class. That's not what this country is about. It's not anywhere in the ideals we were founded on. Everyone is supposed to be equal, are they not?"

Bruce leaned over to Natasha. "If I didn't know him , I'd think he was a cariacature," he said under his breath.

"Right? But it's kind of adorable," she whispered back before she stood. "I'm in, Steve."

"So am I," Clint smiled. "It's a good idea."

"This is going to help people?" Thor asked.

Bruce nodded. "We hope so."

"Then you can count me in," he boomed, standing.

"Of course you're all going to participate, aren't you, Avengers?" Director Fury said, striding into the common room.

"Great," Tony sighed, "now I have to choose between disobeying Fury just to irk him, or disappointing Captain America?"

"Tony Stark, you are not seriously even _considering_ not doing this," Pepper snapped from her seat by the window.

"Yeah, I know I'm not." He turned to Steve. "You want suited up or in street clothes?"

"I vote suited up," Natasha said.

"Yeah, cause you want to stare at my butt," Clint chuckled.

Natasha grinned. "Not just yours."

"Anyway," Fury interjected, "go suit up and meet back here."

\--

Ultimately, and after much debate, they decided to just go sit on the rooftop patio, all piled onto the big bench that no one ever used unless they were planning on taking a nap.

Darcy finished setting up the laptop and webcam, punched a button, and pointed at the group.

Steve looked into the camera. "Life as a teenager can be hard enough as it is; life as a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender teenager can seem like something you need superpowers to get through."

"Sometimes, you might feel like you're leading a fake life, like the person you present to the world isn't you, because you don't know if the world will accept you the way you are," Natasha continued, taking Steve's hand.

"You may feel abandoned, like the people that you expected to always be there for you just can't be bothered anymore," Clint added, linking his arm through Natasha's.

Thor nodded. "You'll have times that you might feel you've been tested beyond your endurance, that your strength can't continue, where you just want to throw up your hands and surrender."

Bruce patted Thor's leg and took a deep breath. "You may feel like everything is out of your control, and that all you want to do is rage against everything that is bringing you down."

Tony put his arm around Bruce's shoulders. "But there's one thing you have to remember, no matter what: that whatever your background, whatever your family situation, whatever the obstacles in your way ... it does get better."

Steve nodded. "I remember being bullied. I remember wondering what I'd have to do to get them off my back, wondering when it was ever going to change. It's a hard road and a long slog." He paused. "But remember that you aren't alone; we're here for you, anytime, day or night. We stand for you, each and every one of you. We're trying to make this a better place for everyone. And if this ragtag group can make it," he smiled, beckoning to the rest of the group, "then so can you."

Darcy punched the button again. "Nice job, guys. I'll get this submitted tonight."


	6. The Time When The Avengers Sang Steve a Birthday Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony plans an unforgettable birthday song for Cap.

"Tony, no. Absolutely not."

"Come _on_ , everyone else is already on board."

"No."

Tony shook his head. "It's for Steve's birthday, Natasha. You really want to ruin Cap's birthday by being the _only_ one who wouldn't go along with his present?"

She sighed. "... no. Fine. I'll do it." She paused. "But you all are wearing heels, too."

"I didn't get those, though!" 

"Better get shopping, then. You all wear heels, or I'm out."

Tony laughed. "Fine, fine! The dress is in your room. We're gonna start everything tomorrow at four." He held his hand up. "High five?"

Natasha rolled her eyes, but high-fived him anyway. 

\--

Darcy knocked on Steve's door at 3:55. "Come on, Cap!"

He opened it. "You guys know I'm not into the whole big birthday thing. Do I really have to do this?"

"Trust me, you _want_ to be there for this one." She grinned.

"Oh ... all right." He closed his door behind him and followed Darcy to the common room, eyes widening at the massive cake in the corner of the room.

"Wow, that's a huge cake!" he said, grinning. "Good thing I skipped lunch."

Darcy pointed him to the chair in the center of the room, festooned with a ridiculous amount of streamers and balloons. "Your seat, sir."

He chuckled and sat down.

\--

"Why could I not be the one in the cake?" Thor asked, adjusting his wig.

"Thor, honey ... you know you'd be too tempted to eat it," Natasha grinned.

He laughed. "Probably. So who _did_ you get to be in the cake?"

"You'll see," Tony smirked.

"Were the shoes _really_ necessary?" Clint asked, trying not to roll an ankle.

"Those were actually Natasha's idea," Tony said.

Natasha laughed. "Hey, it's about time you all learn what it's like to walk around in heels."

"I don't know how I let you talk me into this, Stark," Nick Fury said as he came out of the spare room. He adjusted his wig. "You owe me."

"Oh, I don't know," Tony said. "Those spangles look great on you, Fury."

"You look ... very nice, sir," Phil said, readying his camera and trying not to laugh.

"And how did Coulson get out of dress duty?"

"I'm taking the pictures, sir."

"... great."

Tony looked around. "Okay, you all look ... well, some of us look better than others. Let's do this."

\--

Phil came out first and staked out the best spot to get pictures; Steve was just getting ready to ask what was going on when the lights dimmed and a mini-spotlight - rigged up earlier by Darcy - hit the front of the room. 

As the music started, all of the Avengers (and Director Fury, looking somewhat amused) swaggered out in tight spangly dresses and Marilyn Monroe wigs, and Tony took the mike.

"Cap, since it's your birthday, we figured we should probably sing you a song." He cleared his throat, and affected a high, somewhat off-key falsetto, as the others danced behind him.

_Happy birthday to you!  
Happy birthday to you!  
Happy birthday, Mister ... uh ... Captain ... uh ... Steve!  
Happy birthday to you!_

Oh the last note, Loki - also wearing a spangly dress - popped out of the cake, sending frosting everywhere and making Steve laugh so hard he almost fell out of his chair.

"This is so going on YouTube," Darcy said. "I knew filming this was a great idea."

"Happy birthday, man," Clint said. "Now, I'm going to take these shoes off." He turned, and promptly fell on his ass. 

Natasha shook her head. "Men. Seriously, they're just shoes." She crossed the room and kissed Steve's cheek. "Happy birthday."

"Any chance I can talk you into not changing?" Steve grinned. "It _is_ my birthday, after all."

"Oh ... all right." She pulled up a chair next to his. "But I'm definitely going to be letting you know when _my_ birthday is."

"Fair enough," Steve laughed.

Thor took his shoes off and bent to help Clint off the ground. "Well, if it is all the same to you, Steve, I am going to change," he grinned.

"Yeah, let's do that, then we'll have some grub and Steve can open presents," Tony nodded.

"Oh man, I hope they're as good as you in a dress, Tony," Steve laughed, "because those are going to be the best presents _ever_."


End file.
